Continuation of post Nr. 4

I write this for my own reflection, if you want to reflect with me on life, do read on.

When we are born there are many versions of how time flows, propagated by cultural, societal and personal views.
Some views of the flow of time leave nothing about it’s magic. Time becomes one almost naked number always flowing one second further. Physics for the win…

Once humans are set in their ways, they will see this confirmed in their own life. Not much happening as the day is clustered in so many habits that there is almost no space left for any magic to happen. Working at the day and then drinking or other ways of spending the evening. To live for only two days during the weekend. Oh what a week. Oh if life could only be lived a whole week, even while working X days a week…

Just for fun a little tidbit about working. Working for money that is, within society. The dream of every revolutionary whatever, not to work, because that takes away from my free time and I don’t want to work and I really got to do this, gotta smoke some, drink some more. Sure, benefit from that kind of thinking as long as you can, whether it’s sustainably beneficial is another, ‘cus it’s not all about only you. Uncover if you want all on your own, because ‘your own’ experience based reasonings… Not worth an ass’s fart. If you want to change this world though, it doesn’t go without coming into touch with other people, strangers and friends alike. Within where other people live their lives, not away from. If your aura or whatever you beneficial execration may be is so special, then yes you gotta poop it around where the peops are. Meet them eye to eye, on their level. Not in the wilds or caves of solitude. How else will Mr. Normal, the president, construction builder meet this special kind of people that somehow live more from within than without? If you are so special, don’t keep away, all in your own style, even as an inverted drawn inside person, that needs some alone time to function at his best. [Each case is unique though, so no this ain’t a generalisation]

Been there myself. I am very happy to have made this experience, but luckily life is a changing experience, especially in how I experience it myself, when I allow that to happen. Life itself doesn’t seem much different. All outer bits that are touchable are all still there. People and their own ways all still exist, the big change truly is in how I experience it, all these different seemingly incoherent bits. From this maybe the expression of time and what enters my life might change.

Events can be seen as dots of time along the timescale of life. Sometimes there are clusters of slight magic but that’s all in a way in which there is no coherence between them except for there being this one person experiencing them. All of a sudden something happens, no place to put it, and oh there is this or that and then the big moments of life seem to be birth, death, marriage and sex of course. How bleak…
One person staying practically the same throughout life. Without judgement thereof, there is really nothing wrong with that. To experience it yourself though, is something I rather not do myself. When you know there exists in a way a choice of living your own life, by what you want to do.

Here again is another thing, I don’t pertain to the idea of doing what I want, because what I want has changed so often already, that there can’t have been much meat on the bone to begin with what I want, which was again based on an incoherent image of myself. So without any coherence in yourself, all the rest is quite meaningless. First the building of coherence on your own experience therefor becomes necessary.
I can’t though let out the observation that whatever I have experienced so far largely was based on what I wanted to experience. With desiring change slowly alterations began to happen. Maybe gaining momentum and force over time.

I will borrow another persons words, based on wikipedia:

Cogito, ergo sum is a Latin philosophical proposition by René Descartes usually translated into English as “I think, therefore I am“. The phrase originally appeared in French as je pensedonc je suis in his Discourse on the Method, so as to reach a wider audience than Latin would have allowed. It appeared in Latin in his later Principles of Philosophy. As Descartes explained, “we cannot doubt of our existence while we doubt….” A fuller version, articulated by Antoine Léonard Thomas, aptly captures Descartes’s intent: dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum (“I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am”). The concept is also sometimes known as the cogito.

If you wonder why I utter these words here and now, today, you may look at my yesterday and come to know that one of my work colleagues uttered precisely those choice words. I do see magic in this, maybe you do too. They were uttered completely naturally during his almost non stop talking about his life and the struggles he faces that he won’t be put down by. They are his leitmotiv. You could of course have zoned out during his ramblings, but then you might have missed something, that I could also have missed. Oh I do love my life, to be privy to such experiences, while I was cleaning the school laboratory of my new job. I am thus open to experience wonder in what most would assume to be practically meaningless ramblings of someone who likes talking too much…

DO judge for yourself though:

I think, therefor I am… though can be seen in many ways. It has probably also festered and strengthened the atrophication of MIND-FULL men.
There is so much depth hidden in these words. It may be seen as I am real therefor this collection of different incoherent bits is mine, my life is true. It may also be seen as what I think to be, is what will happen in my life. I think to know myself, therefor such is what I become later on. There are probably many more views and layers of depth hidden behind these few words. They are though introductory to what I want to write about. I try to base as much as I can on my own experience so far.

Since the past has already happened, can’t be changed anymore, except for how I experience my own experience of the past, there is but only the future left to contend with.

When does this future begin? When can I touch it? When is my future really there?

Not right now of course. Right now is only NOW. So the future gets created over time. Right now one could assume I can’t touch the future, as it doesn’t exist yet. In idea that is true, yet still there is another moment coming, more experience heading my way.

Created by what?

It doesn’t exist before it does exist in the moment. In this sense every moment is new, but also the expression partially of the ones before. SO in a way future is the expression of a moment unfolding before your eyes.

It might be wise to see what has in my past attributed to the next flow of time, after choice moments in my life. Moments of which I have a slightly higher and better remembrance. Mostly, what I did in my past has been created by my habits. My belief therein only strengthened my belief in my habits. Simply saying, uttering or whatever that such isn’t like that anymore, didn’t have a huge dent on my next moments. So my habits weren’t diminished much by simply saying I’ll stop this or that. In a way one can say that I wasn’t very unified in my endeavours to stop my habits, but have become more unified over time. Partially through the friends I have made. Through changes of school, work and their surroundings. Every different job or school setting had different time tables, leaving me more or less time to have space for whichever of my habits were most prevalent at that time. Actual changes were forced through another change of work, i.e.  the slighty bigger changes in daily experience. Every moment is new of course, but having for 6 months the same job is bigger than that every moment is different, in my opinion.
Right now for example, I gotta go to bed at 9 – 10 P.M. sharp to be up sprightly in the morning. Many of my habits will have to change, are kind of forced not in a prison kind of way, but in a very liberating way. I kind of feel as if, my new job, helps me in my most secret strongest wishes to better my life. (Make up your own conclusions, but I have often stoned and drunk through much of my time when there was the liberty to do so, now that liberty is still there, but the ramifications on the day after would be much more strongly noticed now that there is less room for such behaviour, for which I am VERY grateful. Less room also means that the little short time I have, I feel more forced to spend 3 hours well instead of 6 hours partially. If a strong habit of using my time well is created, then later on with new jobs, more time might come again to then use 4 of 6 hours instead of 1 of 6 hours.)

Maybe then I have created intentions, but as can be seen simply uttering your intention doesn’t make a huge dent on whatever your intention is or the actions coming thereafter.

What strengthens intention?

Let’s leave out the theory or actual knowledge of differing I’s, because that might hinder the understanding how a strong intention is created. Suffering, experiencing of my own ways that after a certain time seem more hindering than making me happy. Checking how I can continually experience the same thing and whether I still feel the same enjoyment I might have felt before. Another part is actually being grateful for what is on your plate, what you have right now in your life, knowing where it’s from and where it goes to. As I am an independent existence, exempt from all other creation and yet to the bone marrow connected to every other part of creation and existence, my own experience does count as do my own opinions, otherwise I wouldn’t be independent of creation. To be fully independent, you have to first find whatever makes you unique and live that to the fullest, because whatever makes you unique, is what you were born for. Making you not an accident of a coital nature but an actual master plan behind your eyes. Seeing it as such, it is completely necessary to be as unique as you are, to be fully that unique manifestation that is connected to all. You can be only connected to all and completely forego your uniqueness.. Don’t you see the conundrum?… You needn’t be unique! Or just be one further sand kernel next to another. By the way, if you magnify sand, you see that each kernel is different, so that’s that. Yet as with intention, a sand kernel if it had your kind of conscience, might see himself as just one sand kernel instead of the magic that he is, I mean… COULD BE.

How did my intention then get strengthened? By actually seeing how little I did change, but my desire to change slowly grew over time, because so little seemed to happen. I became so desirous to change, because I didn’t want to experience this same sullen experience (Some parts may truly feel sullen, when so little seems to change, especially seeing yourself as some all powerful whatever some people see themselves as). As long as the freedom to do what I ‘wanted’ still was there, little changed, but changes were still happening, but the concluding truer changes do happen by the bigger changes in life’s daily experience as change of job, or implement [YOUR Experience].

Yet again, this is my opinion, ain’t have to be yours.

I don’t though want to miss this kind of experience either. I feel richer through having experienced all of these differing nuances life has to offer. It gives me something to write about too. It gives me self understanding. In all of these changes we can see life as an ebb and then flow of experiences. A rising and falling, continually happening. Those ups and downs, none of which I want to miss, nor do miss. The strength of my intention is what made these changes of job, specifically to these differing time tables happen, I am loathe to feel.

Is there an intelligent design to life, how strongly does it influence me and how much influence do I have myself as an independent existence? Does my own influence over Life as a whole exist?

A further witty sentence that ties into this, wherever that source may be:

As above, so below.

When I am a completely unconnected piece of meat walking around, no influence can exist… O.0? When I begin to see my connection to life I can begin to unfold my own past. The truer changes began though before I saw the connection, when I still felt myself more or less one further piece of meat. Even then my life was created by me in a way, that I can afterwards explain all these parts, understand them. You don’t need to understand the connection, for it to be there, or have an effect on you. I lived in a way for some, without ‘GOD’ and yet all this happened. So when did my influence then begin, or does it coincide with the universe, and the universe with me?

Everything is CONNECTED WITH EVERYTHING. ALL AND EVERYTHING, as two distinct parts are connected, not necessarily one. The possibility though to be one do exist. The possibility is the only thing we have. What then is the possibility and what it’s concluding result? A result that still will be able to experience further change, not as a set destination, from which nothing further can happen.
Are there people only being influenced by this intelligent design without their own taking part therein? How you might understand these questions alone will probably change a lot over time and grow, by your own growing experience of your own life.

If you think of someone who goes to school from 4 till +/- 20 years of age and then works 40 years then retires into a mostly meaningless in their own experience ‘free life’ then one would have to conclude yes. (Not that life or their experience is meaningless, only the extent in how strongly they experience their own life, is what I ramble about.) That would give a very bleak possibility of existence for everybody. Yet there is also the possibility of changes, also by the same intelligent design. The possibility always exist for us, yet it doesn’t get used by everybody. Someone led purely by the outside realises little of the possibilities inside, slumbering atrophying within himself of viewing and experiencing life differently.

Why my life has slowly lead in this direction and someone else’s doesn’t? Luck I think and my beginning formative years until the age of +/- 25 years. The sad and dark experiences which acted as a sort of wake up call, might also have worked to slowly cement myself into a further worsening and more meaningless life. It might have also helped that I have lived for almost one year more fully, and some many years leading up to that year in which my life didn’t seem to flow right. Of very dumbing and unhappy times. Destitute of self-worth and other such things.

You might clamour and become hopeless too because life can be lived in such a way, or feel sad for me or whatever, please don’t. Why life is so CRUEL? Why life is this and that?

OPEN THOSE EYES OF YOURS for once and not your emotional brain.

One year I felt almost completely empty, devoid of experience, just barely following the most important of my needs, for the rest sinking into a heap of utter darkness. Out of that heap an intention was born. I didn’t understand nor know in what direction that heap would lead me, but an experience this profound of utter hopelessness is a strong master.  How you never wanna go back to black. I didn’t know then how to get out, but as a ray of light, a certain writer and his books entered my life and slowly life led up. Not because of this writer, might have been another too, but it was Gurdjieff that entered my life, that answered my question to how and what I could do to change that meaninglessness and never go back. INTENTION… The ray of light was not this Gurdjieff, but the strong intention born out of that utter blackness. He is the kind of writer that can come to those that have experienced such inner and utter emptiness. Gurdjieff thus has helped me to understand my life and not be just some kind of whatever person anymore. He helped me fill my own experience and existence, both with meaning.

Why and how Gurdjieff entered my life might also benefit some scrutiny. The why we have answered now the how. I did not know of his existence. The books slumbered in my fathers book case and all of a sudden he said you might like to read his books. Knowing nothing beforehand about Gurdjieff, he still entered my life. By who’s design? I knew nothing, nor was I very knowledgeable on anything philosophically. It had thus nothing to do with me personally. My intention might have been answered in this way, out of parts before unknown to me. Gurdjieff wrote his books in such a way that only some might have a real beneficiary use, many other’s just won’t have that same use. How the things that have the power always have a way of surfacing all of a sudden in our life’s. Might it be that some notice these possibilities and use them and some aren’t using them? That the possibility enters everyone’s life only some are at that point interested enough that they cling to them with all of the force they can muster? Some people’s intention, only intention to change thus ain’t strong enough. They are still too far fed, just enough to survive, not to live though fully. Some are perfectly happy with everything they do find in life and will thus work 40 years and then slowly slumber into death.

Other’s begin to recognise that ain’t all and intention to change has been strong enough. Even then many ways lead in different directions. Are the directions wrong, just because it wasn’t your direction? I say no, because everything in life is intimately connected whether you know it or not. Connected invisibly yet experentially utterly connected. We need all these directions, so even more directions can exist. In diversity lies our strength.

To further strengthen diversity:

Don’t take a freedom you don’t give someone else, yet also do give the possibility to not take that same freedom to someone else.

Whatever is true for you generally ain’t so for another (mind don’t believe either), even the best of friends.

Whatever is true for you can only be based on experience you made yourself, not hearsay. Which is why other’s experience may be true even if it ain’t for you. Now let’s assume you give someone advice where someone else tries to make a right move for himself, yet because you don’t have those same problems, might even experience joy for the same substance, you deter him further from listening to himself,… Or do you? Ain’t it his fault he ain’t listen to himself instead of asking your advice? (Know when to ask and when not to). How else would he learn not to be an idiot in this specific case?

I am so happy to be an idiot, otherwise, I couldn’t have begun to understand all this.


Part 1 of this series.
Part 2 of this series.
Part 3 of this series.
Part 4 of this series.
Part 5 of this series.
Part 6 of this series.
Part 7 of this series.

Express Your-Self

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