Crossroads: (little post I put before other posts come again)
I am between a crossroad of my heart ‘n mind.
I am torn between the evergrowing rapture of pain and delight.
Beauty in both?
Ah yes, dear dear me can’t ignore the fullness of an erratic mind.
The lulling pain of not being there completely.
March 15, 2018
The fear to be neurotic,Happily human, Grand design of neverland, Goldlocked damsel in distress, Freckled and jolly roger, Amsterdamned and lucky, Frilly locks curled up in disgust, Hunger of a lion, Belly of a mouse on medics, Blood lining the sunset, Whispering magi belching spells to save the world, Deluded necromancers having a thumbfight with Providence, Star spangled red flag, Clearly someone lines up with the wrong stars.
March 17, 2018
Fire is a powerful cleanser.You, yes YOU have fire around your midst, around your homes.You also have ‘sacred items’, ‘holy books’, ‘holy scrolls’ all just dusting up your home with their beneficiary excretions.The root of a disease sadly very humane.Ah but they are only lying around your house, you don’t touch them, they don’t touch you.But I think that fire is the only thing that effectively gets them out of the way for another possible future.Brimfire and hailstone,take these spirits and empty vessels out of our midst.Demons of yore come and scream brightly now, that night is lit.Step out of your soft slumber, for a task is at hand.Enter all our hearts to scream those angerful breaths out.Yet don’t let yourself be ruled by these demons either.For one who is still not filled again with his own, will just gobble up and fill again what seemed full ‘already’.Nay I say, you being your own takes dedication and patience.You have the ‘full power’ within you right now, yet using it, that is what separates the one from the other, this weird substance called willpower.Free from demon and angel and any other such being is what is freedom to me.It is too light within most.Some have no roots that could soak themselves day by day, year by year.That willpower is the only thing that will give you the freedom to really pursue what is necessary for you.I will say to follow this willpower by far does not seem easy, yet full control of your body is already there, somewhere in you, if nurtured patiently.Unless you merge this control in your body, fuse it with your brain and heart, there is no such freedom for you.To let this control be automatic is the only way, as the mind will never truly grasp this willpower.Willpower and mind don’t belong together. They will coexist, but willpower needs to come before heart, body, mind and spirit, controlling all equally.What then is this weird substance called willpower?Your own fire, that knows what needs the body, mind, emotions and your spirit have, yet doesn’t give them more than needed. Sanely.
March 17, 2018
I think I am turning into the crazy catwoman from simpsons, and I love it.
March 17, 2018
O yes Master, you are so refreshing, this is revolutionary. Oh wow I mean, how could I NOT notice that, oh master where are your hands going?No master, but ahh yes please go on.I am soo lost without you.I will go down on my knees.But master… That is so big, how do you know so much?That is world shattering!I don’t know where I would be without you.I am your puppet, now oil me up and down.Show me the way around, take me on a leash.Here is my hand, here is my foot, take my other foot too for good notice.*Limping on one hand*Master I can’t walk anymore, please take my hand.*Master lays a rope around my neck and pulls me along his way wherever pleases him.*Come night he puts me in a dark corner and loses his clothes.Next morn I hardly know anymore who I am.Master… Master… mas…ter….*BANG**Next evening comes he lays me down again**All I can do is have some little thoughts, the rest of me is all taken away.**I have even the feeling master resides within me, within my deepest of hearts, within MY soul**Master,… GET THE FUCK OUT*You shall never have me.I am rather bound to my own foolishness as have one more second, with your know it all, Goodness.Go back to the dirt whence you came.I make my own mistakes and learn out of them.Learning may be slow, but it is the pace I want to learn in.You may say ahh yes, but if you go left instead of right here, that will cost you 1 year less.Maybe, but I will be bound to you for at least the same time, or have remnants of your muck swimming within me.Just for the fun of it, I will pull you on my leash, just to show how pleasant it is to have a ‘Master’ above you.I know nothing. I know not how you could do better.I know only that I am now. Whatever is tomorrow is my concern, not yours.If you want to be together with me, just be together with me. Your advice falls on deaf ears, I may even curse you, just for good measure.Whatever is your morn, well the maggots get you.
March 18, 2018
Nowadays we teach children to create a better world, by being a fake version of themselves, all the while completely smothering every sacred impulse innate to themselves, to be washed away in beer, cigs and come couchsurfing every night.What if we actually taught our children (knowingly) so they know themselves, how to fuck up this world while reigning chaos, without deceit, to actually create a world where people get lessons thrown into their faces all the time, instead of being so civilised. To smother any kind of civilisation that is still left somewhere in this small world.Once civilisation becomes too civilised, it lays the roots for its own demise.There has never existed a ruler that can rule everybody, try as you might but to make that happen, will fail time and time again.The best of it all is, that there is no cure for this ailment, but to be as animalistic as you truely are. Neither can you make amends to what is already done, to create a better tomorrow. You can only be your own self, all the rest will fall to dust, just as much as you surely will breath your last breath.
March 19, 2018
Life, is so dangerously mundane, that it is so easy to miss.Yet the thought that life could ever be mundane, is just the one greatest sum of all human stupidity ever.Yet that stupidity is my own too.Then the next day it is an action adventure.One week later a romance.One year ago it was a horror-full day.Every taste you could ever wish for and desire for are there in this reality, that seems so warbled you lose yourself inside, and may with chance get out of that snail-shell again.To flee from this mundane-ness is the biggest mistake you will ever make in life.To constantly drug your perception, to not just see this mundane-ness for what it is.The biggest marvel that ever existed.It is so chaotic that it may play and seem to be mundane to you, while behind the screen of what you are missing wars are thought on many levels.Some you are keeping alive yourself.Some you are keeping away from in fear.Some you lust for, thirst for.Some you fight against yourself, some against the family you may come to love then to hate then to miss.Some with friends who were once foes, were once lovers, were once you.Don’t you begin to see?That even I can’t be the one to teach you this.For to teach someone, that someone else can’t be his teacher is the only possibility of beginning to see; once you are not warbled inside anymore, pulled in many directions foreign to yourself.Life is the grandest theatre, which only a very few man actively live in.
March 20, 2018
To find and pursue conformity in a non-conform world is The lost trail most men never find their feet from.
March 25, 2018
A destiny gifted by a friend, turns your nightmare.He locks you up in a cage, of which your prison bars are your weapons.Your weapons your strongest beliefs, your biggest ideologies.Your ideology based on lies and deceit.Lies and deceit handed down from man to man to become a once holy scribe, lost in time lost in translation, complete uselessness.The so called gifts, its biggest markers for the lunatic bin.Spiritual vainglorious bastards, neither family nor friends truly holy anymore.All to give up for some weird task set upon you, in your brain wispy smoke induced paranoia, called love.A destiny forged in iron chains, reeking of blood.Tears wept for the biggest loss.. YOU.Yet the prisoner doesn’t weep in sadness but in joy.True joy of his own true north, or just one more puppy down the drain?
March 26, 2018
If something ain’t meant to happen, you might spend months, years even pissing against the wind, but it just ain’t going to happen. Yet to say life does not provide for you in these moments, you’d be pissing in your own eyes too.Life goes just the way it goes, because that somehow is what you need. You can batter the wind as hard as you want, you can beguile yourself in different shapes like a slithering lying snake. You can lose yourself completely. You can wring yourself in edges and boxes that never were meant to be yours. If you recognise yourself, I won’t say listen to your heart, because it doesn’t always speak in clear terms, nor do you always just do what your heart whispers beyond the hearing ears. Yet somehow you should have an inkling of an idea what it is you were supposed to be doing with your time. You may even have to go against what your family demands from you. Some things are worth more than a straight away monetary gain. Some skills will have a bigger benefit in the long run than even a small debt could cover in a time. Do you really think life will leave you hanging? That your own inherent being will leave you hanging? Your own inherent being can sometimes orchestrate your own behaviour into a pattern you can recognise slowly over time to see that some things just ain’t meant to be, right now, yet not forever.Smashing the wind is fun, yet life flows more easily if you begin picking up patterns earlier, so you can begin doing what you are supposed to do. My words will not tell you what that could be, that only you yourself can know, (for almost every person alive on earth).So you can either be a slithering snake or yourself…
March 26, 2018
Isn’t it weird, that there are priests (of any kind and belief) for the dead, that while they live, give you your last rites, sacraments, cut up your body and feed them to the fish or carrion birds, bury you underground, burn your last remaining flesh and bones, speak a Hail Mary or whatever and then they also need someone else to give them their last rites?If someone dies, why not just leave em lying there, where they are. Nature will take care of the rest. That’s how death circulates normally, without those weird priests, that take on some kind of job that is not really theirs to have. Nature does it so much better than a human ever could.
March 31, 2018
This and that person is such a beautiful being, such a beautiful persona, such a beautiful duckling turned swan turned predator, right out of prison in U–Tahh Dahh.When you see but the veneer of the slightest thinnest cut of what one person is, they are beautiful?You get to see their exterior and whatever message they wanna bribe that market seller with.You get to hear the words that actually leave the lips. Some wanted some unwanted.You get to smell their lovely body odours, nowadays more likely chemtrails.You get to see what they post online, to bolster whatever they think they are.Most likely sugar coated pennies.That is not the person. Not the being, its just one of many messages put out, at will or with the knife at their throat. Let’s be honest this is a cut throat society. You can be one swashbuckling hireling of that society, become one pertaining not to be society and yet keep on swashbuckling away in NOT society.I Think the human, being and persona can only be the whole of what they claim to be, what they actually are, what they try to be daily, what they can and can’t hide, what they omit, what they keep for their own closets where there are no skeletons. The silence and roar of thunder. The magic hidden from eye. The knife placed delicately at love’s door. The foot in the door of chance. Luck’s harbinger and destroyer of doom. The deceiver and the deceived.Messianic and devilish. Hopeful and fearful. Ugly and grimy. The whole sum of everything seen and unseen. Lit behind the glossy exterior of these eye bulbs, rattling on in that tartar of a brain. That rattlesnake. The hamster on the wheel. The chimpanzee and the panther of tomorrow with its predatory gait.
April 1, 2018
Dear sonny, to no avail you have to finish your plate, rinse it over with your tongue, to not leave even the slightest hint of any sauce or morsel left, otherwise you can’t go out to play.Mommy I would love to do that for you, because let’s be honest I’d do that only for you, not for myself. I am stuffed already but I have to finish that plate… One more morsel, one more crumb, my tummy aches so, but I have to finish that plate.War mentality over and over, scarcity. It’s not digested yet. Why eat more than you need?Why again, fill your plate with more than you can eat pr need to eat?Oh but I Love suffering so much. I prefer the sweet taste of desire more than the pain it can cause. The pain I hate too, but the sweetness I hate less. The desireable-ness of what is too sweet, ahh just my mouth is watering, but my brain is hurting. But I have to finish My Plate, I have to finish my sweets, I have to have to have to, Throw that plate out, buy a smaller bowl, and then fill it to the top, and just eat enough.Who is to blame, who do you need to confront?
April 3, 2018
Here it is, the answer, to solve all your riddles. There you have to dig.This is what you’ll have to do.By this person, which you will meet at X on 11.00 sharp, will be made 2 kids and 1 more. From that family, you will make one deserter, one civil worker and one foot ball player.The deserter will become a rock star and die of an over dose.The footballer gets an arrow through the knee, and then dies.The civil worker, makes lazy money and never was the happier for it. He dies engulfed in what might have been.That person, which was a male once, finds another partner, before you finish your connection, you found another one, longer before that even.Your first partner becomes a surgeon, to save your life once, yet she can’t save you the second time, as she’s already gone over yonder.You will die at such a day, when the sun hangest lowest. You will have many regrets. Many things that you never understood. Many joys, not rightly owned. Many sadnesses never fully felt. No anger fully kneaded into your lungs to scream that primal warrior like Ahhhh. To think to have understood because you know what happens beforehand.. Oh the irony..Now tell me again, is that really your future? Or one who is deluded?
April 4, 2018
Sometimes its better to be told the opposite of what the teller knows to be true, so you can butt your head against it, and learn for yourself, that it really is the other way 
And then you also get the right to scald the teller of what he already knew to be wrong Yet did you not learn a lesson you would not have learnt the other way around? I can be told what’s true, yet if I ain’t open for it, it’s just as wrong or unnecessary to me…Hence, Bible and the idea of sin can be interpreted quite differently this way.
April 6, 2018
How many friends have you saved today from the depths of hell?This number translates directly into how good of a friend you Truely have been… I guess.
April 6, 2018
When a living person comes up to you and demands for the secret to live, something is fishy, something is funny.If a dead person came, then I really couldn’t ask any questions, because that’s just normal, but a living person…Now same for science, why research for something that can influence dead matter to create living matter. Living rocks running rampage. That would be quite a sight to behold.An irony almost imperceptible.
April 7, 2018
I love hating my body so much, that I keep it healthy, just so I can keep hating it longer.
April 10, 2018
I’ve wasted my time, to gain a time, to have a Time.
April 19, 2018
First companies are bringing your shopping sprees to your home already, in a not so very far away future, you may come to depend more and more from this kind of shopping. Your work may also become more and more digital… Hence having less need to leave home… Since shop delivers at home, what a breeze… If there were but some fresh air. Since nobody goes visiting anybody else then, neither will you need big spaces, not with all that communal space you’re given with your small condo. There’s even some green, quite rare these days.If this is where you’re headed right now… You may still have time to retrace your steps in another direction…
May 1, 2018
The creation of art, has something very intimate, the drawing of a person, plant or just anything else. It could be close to love making, how you slowly etch as many crevices, lines, nooks, pores, different kinds of textures on your paper, or other surfaces. The closer you begin to look, the more you discover, which you hadn’t added yet the drawing session before. Slowly the object comes to life on your paper, animated by your hands. It takes on slowly the life of the object that gets drawn. Love is making life and art may not create life, but it gets damn close. Almost not possible, not to feel something akin to maternal feelings to the object drawn and the process of creation itself.
May 9, 2018
There seems to be this notion of a fear, that one’s life could be meaningless, without at least excelling in one part of life, amassing some amount of riches, not being active every day…Such a sad vista for life to have. Life in itself is already the flowering crown of existence, only to be crowned by the ever gallant death.That life should, must be more than the life of father and mother, that each furthering generation must leave more behind for the next to come. Such disappointment, if you were to be the one that is just like a turtle, slowly going about your way..Some may even find richness in the way of the turtle. Steadily going on, neither aggrandising and growing bigger unnecessarily, nor foraging more than you need, you may even find that you have much more than you could have already right now.These lovely turtles can live for long centuries… How wrong can their life thus then be?
May 13, 2018
What’s, on your mind?What’s, below your mind?What’s, above your mind?What’s, in sinc with your mind?What’s, not on your mind?What’s, in your mind?What’s, about your mind?What’s, after your mind?What’s, because of your mind?What’s, anormal for your mind?What’s, for your mind?What’s, omitted from your mind?What’s, since your mind?What, came with your mind?What’s, the last drop for your mind?What’s, not questioned, even with all these questions?Nothing that should matter.
June 24, 2018
What might happen if man found out, that he is in fact man. What marvels might pour out of this discovery?
July 26, 2018
Devil on the playground.Silent frog on the slope.Darkness spewing forth on the threshold of light.Rebel’s mission to be-come.Under the panoply of the sun there resides this spark.Effortlessly burning, yet easily ignored.Where to look, where to scratch, where to burrow your roots?Not here, not there, not now, not ever.Youniqueness is already there under the panoply of the night’s sky.
August 6, 2018
Out of life, in the life.
What is there to see in the beyond?
What is so more special tomorrow?
What would you do tomorrow, when you can’t even touch it yet?
What does happen after death? Do you even really care? Ever seen a zombie? So why worry.
Crawl out of your gravvy thoughts, only there to enchain you.
Crack the skulls in twice.
Bring thunder to darkness, smash your eyes aglow.
Retinas burned into. Fire breathed out, Smoke in.
Exhale that mirth into existence.
Cough out your fears and give them life.
Cough out that shame and make it happen.
Burn ever deeper into YOU.
You see those caves unlit for so long.
Go wander in and yonder, have a wonder.
Purple nightmares, suddenly yellow.
Dark red bloody smears turn into spilt candle wax.
Ever deeper you go, you ain’t afraid.
You know there is this now, Not specifically how or why, but it’s there.
So are YOU.
August 6, 2018
If you want the devil, you’ll have to go with his horns too. Quite ugly maybe too.
At least though more honest.
Then again I ain’t only bad, I’ll also be angelic, but then I got to use my wings to soar the skies of these lands.
I’ll have to sprinkle some of this some of that, Je ne sais quoi.
A very rich aroma of all earthbound life.
Faintly sweeping past my tongue, my eyes (though invisible, yet not intangible) and my nose.
I’ll take a strong whiff of this odorous, calamitous, burning, smouldering, reverberating sound, close to orgasmic.
My knees start shaking, my eyes start to water, my lungs start to purge this generous dose of Crazyness.
My hair starts flailing wildly without the faintest of winds.
My arteries start gushing, pulsing louder than even my voice. They start shaking mountains and smallish hills.
All of creation swept under one rug.
Ohh, there is one more kernel of dust
Hmm, where to put this dot of Something.
What if it is sustained by something invisible?
What if I am also sustained and under the sway, crazily, drunkingly and unblinkingly of this same …
August 11, 2018
Hello you all Steemians, feel free to enjoy.
Just now watching some series on the web. Not the best, neither the worst. I have found that some of these contain gems to the introspective, if you earnestly look and digest even in sleepy slumber. Not in the first episode, neither the second. Sometimes you’ll have to dig through hours of ‘wasted time’, just to find this one gem, you really have been looking for. What is right, what is wrong? Did I waste my time? F NO. I own my time. Through every wave crest broken open on my naked shoulder, I bear the full brunt of it, as only humans can do. By ousting and jousting every emotion of their own, spilt the second they gotta come.
This text then of course represents my own digestion, my own understanding, which you won’t have as you may not have had the same thoughts during the last days and weeks. Either way, take nothing as the truth. I only have small morsels from a nice and tasty bread I am baking day in, day out.
What was my introspection about then?:
- The fear to react too quickly. To react with quick gratification. To choose the bad drug. To go for the easy sexual gratification, by looking or touching. To choose the angerful emotion. Fearful jests. Sorrowful mourners.
- What is your quickest reaction? The one most genuine, for it takes no thought to activate it, goes over the unconscious and only over that one, unfiltered and clean. Clean only, when you embrace your own ego, that just is. Genuine in this case ain’t meaning perfect, but only momentary perfection. The everlasting kind ain’t exist.
- Quick gratification is of course a basic need, as in a dual world yes that is possible and will be done, for that is the human way. The fear of, rejection, will only make it larger and worse. The quicker, the more genuine. The more space you give it, you’ll find even beauty come to you, in the most unexpected of ways, for any of the named cases I been thinking about these last months. This whole list goes hand in hand of course.
- The bad alcohol, smoked doped out, sniffers paradise, alpine skiing nose first. It’s all possible, thus will be done.
- All things sexual, solo masturbation all the way through Bethlehem following that one shiny star. Sexual all the way through life, all embraced in whatever shape it represents itself.
- Well anger comes over you in a second, not longer or shorter, it may rise slowly on a slow burner, but when it catches fire, one second only.
- Fear is normal, for example the fear of death. It’s also ridiculous when you realise everybody dies. Even more when you realise, death is the one true divine love, it takes all, no matter when or how, no matter how you look, breathe, talk, where you were born, who you lived with, who you killed (no I don’t mean go out on a killing spree), it just takes every living creature, when it chooses, not when we want it to. (leaving out all mystical things humans can do to choose their own death).
- The sorrow of a loved passed one. This beautiful emotion to have loved the temporal manifestation called living creature, to have taken in one of those lovingly in your heart for the time it spent with you. This is to me the full embracing of the momentary beauty that is our passing body, with their own passing truths. Since you know there are only passing truths, you’ll even just stop holding to passing truths.
One more wee bit about influence. I have been strongly influenced in my life. I still am. I did though choose my influences first of myself. Then there was my own curiosity. My thirst for knowledge. My stupidty :D, yes that beautiful stupidity, so beautifully human is a very important part of the human life experience. We need it if we are ever to be completely human.
In these moments, they were my truth, maybe not now, but DUHHH: Change… is natural. Does that make my past less truthful? Neither will my present maybe be truthful in a few years. So just enjoy all of these times as your road. This road that has been way-sided, breached by so many beautiful influences all the way through. Only you can have walked that road in only your own way. Then there may be the comparing of your road, which is completely unique all the way through (even in your most having given away your own freedom, being a sheep times, up to now. There’s always one little sheep in you and a wolf trying to kill that sheep. Live with both. Beautiful Duality of Things.), with someone else’s road, who so gloriously mirrored your own actions, maybe in a stronger or weaker degree. Did you learn from that or not? Could it then have been any other way? Strong mirrors work best, especially the ugly honest mirrors that know themselves already partially that not all their own words may be holding up to their own truth, at that moment. Even though they partially know it, they don’t hide their ugly words either, for the sake of a more truthful approach being able to be taken later. later you’ll always be more truthful. Without today’s influence, maybe that just won’t happen… The road to be walked by us all, in the moment only.
Though I often see people that have had these strong influences over them, try to reject and hide them completely or on the other side glorify them into the most glorious human of soups, that just become meaningless through that act alone. Put the rug over, no see, no happen. Pfeuww I am safe again from that ugly past. I don’t wanna hide my thorns. I don’t wanna cut off my horns, they make me into what I am. My past explorations wherever they lead me, may be needed in the far-or close off future, where my forays are exactly the key to unlock one thing here or there, only my experience could help with.
Right now, I am at my most genuine as I can be for the moment. Tomorrow I can of course be more genuine than today, but right now I will always have to be the most genuine: Greedy, lusty, fearful, angry, know-it-all, cooked up, doped up, teary eyed and lonely or completely satisfactorily happy…
September 19, 2018
Can you drink with the boozer?Just as drunk as they are.Can you smoke with the doper?Getting smoked over the roof top.Can you scream with the anger fisted dude?Letting the words corrupt the very living breath of air just exiting your lips.Can you cry with the small child, hidden in despair behind their parents?Oh teary eyed friend, I shall embrace you as one of my own. We shall get along just fine.Can you think fear with the one bereft of everything they once held dear (ain’t been there of course yet, oh no such isn’t me)?Fear thick as the hair on your back.Now can you let me be my own weirdness, and I’ll let you be yours. But hey no, I won’t let you be in peace, if something needs be said so it shall be done, by either you or me. If not today then tomorrow, for we ain’t the hurrying kind.If I can’t brace your cuts, what are mine worth in the end?
September 24, 2018
S’truth oh S’truth:Let’s assume we will always have some version of untruth in us, always something to learn.This will go on for life.Knowing words never have the full essence of what one might utter, and the human misunderstanding between each other always a constant dissonance, there will thus be spoken misunderstandings in one way or another.To strive to better speech is always connected with betterment of speech.More truthfulness.Yet for this to strive not to speak untruthfully , it’s then better to not speaks what one thinks, but what naturally flows out, since this will always be true to the moment…For me though uttering the thoughts and mostly what flows out freely, I utter what I go through at that moment, because my thoughts will be there irregardless. So I actually don’t mask my thoughts into nonexistence as if I don’t think about anything.By though truly uttering what I dissonance with, I allow to bring my dissonance into more truth, by having the corresponding answer, answered back at me, this from a person out of its own flow, will match what I need.Dissonance can thus be harmonised, made more truthful, by not being kept hidden, and thus thought, becomes for me the catalyst to harmonise.Even the chattering monkey is part of this beautiful dissonance.
September 30, 2018
Can you teach? Can you give?What is there to say? What is there to give?I can give you my world view, but then you’d be poorer off.I can tell you, share you my world view, but then what does that make of my world view?If I think my world view and it’s understanding would be a better way for you to live, then I am giving you a prison.You ain’t got my experiences and you ain’t got my needs nor wants.Yet words that were once spoken, may open a door to an experience for me/ you to happen in which those words unequivocally become truth for me/ you too.None given by me or you and yet ultimately something was shared.The really nice conundrum of what to give what to tell, if something itches inside.Maybe the only true thing I can give is, some inherent understanding, no matter how that understanding got there, of how your truth and your words don’t match up yet. Knowing that some things will be understood already by you and some won’t.Will I thus say everything, spell out exactly everything? Because this Feeling, only itches about a few things. It’s not pulling out hairs of a naked chicken. I already know which strands to pull, that are clearly visible to me.If at least I am able to judge correctly what it is that itches you, or does it also itch me? 
Some few musings going around my head, of interactions had in the past.
October 1, 2018
Is there a right moment to address a problem you are facing?Or is it sufficient that it is addressed at all?If not in this moment then in another? Maybe, just maybe this moment now was not the right moment for all pieces to fall in place.Maybe this next moment has all pieces aligned.The only problem is something unadressed, but since at this moment your heart still beats, why worry when it ain’t?
October 2, 2018
My luxury, moneywise, may not be your luxury, but if I claim out of my ‘luxury’ what is luxury to me and what is not (not for me, but your life’s luxury), when you can with something ‘less luxurious’ still find the luxury in that, I stand a fool, for being so luxurious.If something is a luxury to you, no matter how rich or poor that luxury costs, I want to whole heartedly agree.Here’s to all that find luxury in the small cheap things. Be you blessed.
October 5, 2018
Adam and Eve, never left paradise. I mean how could they? They have multiplied a dozen like rabbits, but how? By being a living, breathing piece of this paradise. Eating the apple only made them forget, how much of a wonder each and every living being is. How life is a miracle. This ‘knowledge’ can be forgotten, but it can’t be lost.So you, yes you, raise your shin up high, straighten your shoulders and remember your forgotten ‘knowledge’. Eat an apple and break the circle.
October 7, 2018
The whole of experience of life.Can you divide it, break it in parts?Yes you can, but each of these parts is never going to constitute the whole.Thought is only one part. Time another. Life and death another. Feelings, emotions, love, fear, hate and anger, are all just different parts of the whole of experience.Family, scarred relations, love and lust, smoked doped up times are all just one part.They all find place within the whole of experience. To only use one part of the whole of experience, to direct the flow of time is to use only 1% of the whole and can never give the desired result. The whole of experience has a mind of its own, so to say on what’s next. You can cook up theory upon theory, but they all fall bleakly apart when reality comes sweepin again, with what actually just is happening.Thus using only one of these parts to experience, the whole… FOOL.Use one part to bring the whole in a certain direction… FOOL. MARAUDER, BUTCHER of the whole.Only the whole of experience directs what’s next, and each part gets its due.None of them have a claim to any of it, but all are served their meal.Hence mind can never succeed with whatever it wants. It does get what it needs though Will your mind fight this? Will your emotions? Well let your eyes scroll back up, and then you’ll know how fruitless it is.
October 10, 2018
I am an empty husk on a full plane of maize corns.A breath through rows and rows of yellow gold.Home of the swine and turkey, I stand billowing in the wind. None of the labour put into me will grow the fruit I am meant to become, and yet my neighbour stands full and plenty, yellow gold. The labour might have been missed on me, yet my next of kin surely stand to benefit. So on I go, with my empty husk, safe in the knowledge, the work was not made in vain.
October 10, 2018
Sense of self… Or whatever fucked up version you may still deem yourself to be? These words by no means are truth, yet if only they fuck up your sense of self they ain’t spewed out, with reddish gold in my veins for nuthin, not that it could matter to me, because otherwise they’d have been marked down in some kind of writing vehicle days before you are able to see these words. Do you consider yourself, yourself with an empty or full stomach? With parched lips or wetted and not thirsty anymore? With full lungs or empty lungs?If this, very likely ain’t make any difference nor spent too many thoughts in this direction either let me spill the hot beans of what did spook through my brain.Breath in, breath out. So when there is air in my lungs I am still myself, with or without. By this alone the air, still unused in me is also me. Then also the air outside is also me, bar that it ain’t enter my lungs yet. Then again breathing air is spread all over the walkable and swimmable earth. All that air is also me. I am thus already all over the top of the earth.Same train of thought, food within or without is me.Same train of thought, all water is me. Does this make ‘me’ FAT?Or just headfucked?
October 15, 2018
Words uttered free of thought, will engender mechanical reactions in those still functioning mechanically. Those that recognise this mechanism, can watch the wheel turn and out-turn themselves out of the wheel.
October 15, 2018
Language is a sign of man, knowing how to communicate.Since this knowledge is settled in as also knowing what one is saying personally and fully assuming that what one utters is fully understood by the hearing ear and brain attached, the full meaning this ought to extend to the other person and whatever circumstance this briefly uttered speech is uttered for. To truly look at speech though, besides sales talk and the general weather enquiries, often speech is done without much for-thought, maybe language is not so much the giving meaning to all and everything around us, but the taking away of meaning that maybe wasn’t there to begin with.So language is probably very necessary if you are going to buy a monkey at the market and for what kind of cooking recipes you can share to your fellow neighbour of the second degree. First degree being family and second degree the rest, known buggers and the whole other rest.Once language begins to transcend simple communication for everything day to day, the whole conundrum shows itself that people just don’t master their own tongue nor it’s meaning it may imply with other’s very own oft ‘unique’ knowledge of whatever just flies into their brain. This may be overheard talk by the neighbour, or speech uttered in vain by the Politician. This may be the walk on by talk heard between two enemies that play friends, just for appearance sake.With so many factors just unknown, you can TALK?
October 17, 2018
The fluidity of time, from morn to midday to evening…I think I need a masters degree to get it fully, that is , where one part begins and where the next ends. How one exactly could define the threshold time stamp at a day to day basis where the sun keeps on setting earlier or later, by time’s standard that is.As a not so very knowledgeable brain, I don’t see much of a separating factor, bar one that changes probably as often as whatever this ‘me’ is. So with an always changing ‘me’, how can I have any grasp whatsoever on what changes around me, when change within and without and about and around me, is nicely not taking my own pace and drag on the rough floor, where my feet try to float around the cracks and crevices.”Hrmpff” Something ‘me’ don’t have that master degree and yet I act as if I know Time…
October 20, 2018
The fire dies within, and a flame burst out of your eyes, setting the scene afire.Fire-lit, there comes this cool breeze, not far from your left.With it there’s this sound, a wheezing buzzing howl.Gut wrenching tear jerking wail.The smoke flares up in your nostril, coughing out ages, years and millennia old crap.The fire burst and rips open your outer shell, attached, seemingly set in stone, emotions, thoughts and merry go rounds.This wail now’s about to burst from your lips, but no sound shall break free, no wail shall burst forth.The wind shall not carry your buzzing howl.So the next one that finds the fire die within, shall not have your wail in its ear, and shall not set free the sound of some weird miracle, that there is a solution, that shall quench the fire that shines forth unforgivably.You shall not continue, what others have done before thee.You must create new sounds, new, non-existing pieces and works of art.
October 20, 2018
T(r)apestry of LifeWe all know the stories.The romantic, deathly, hallowed, sacred, scary, painful, in your face parts of life.For each one of us, there are different faces and different names and different degrees of importance, but we all mourn, lose and win, find/ lose, begin/ end, love/ hate and are happy and sad.Not as their opposites, one of each other, but both as whole parts of whatever this experience is.Not all of it is comprehensible, we wish there was something to do about some of that, but whatever’s in the past, clearly will stay there. Not everything in the past will perfectly explain your momentary experience.Why you again go for the wrong person or finally do the one right thing you were hoping all along (and bashing yourself for not doing) to do.Heck if even your momentary experience is sane..More like In-sane: In on the saneness of whatever you can’t be sane about.Whenever you strike a wall and something don’t go as planned, roll with the punch and take what is there.If that be mourning, then mourn for the love of God, because at least, you show what this person meant for you. Mourning is like the biggest appreciation of someone who spent his life’s time with you. If you don’t mourn, it wouldn’t mean anything to you. This kind of honest mourning is accepting.Live through it all but let it flow, unless you wanna get trapped inside your own tapestry.
October 20, 2018
There may be no teacher above you or below you, no one that can tell for you, right from wrong in your life.Having possibly fully recognised this, you may disregard other people’s speaking as not being able to tell you any ‘truth’ whatsoever, yet life goes on and you still go through changes constantly. So since there’s no outside teacher, your inner teacher, is thus the medium to tongue prove and then physically doingly to prove or disprove itself, in regards only to the momentary changed state, which need no judge nor controller, it flows automatically, neither from within nor without but both at the same time. You may not see yourself as anything, as everything you’ve always been is constant change.Some name, nor day, nor age can stop this changing tapestry before your eyes, or the tapestry within you constantly changing but ever gallant beautiful death, which is also just one more part of the ferrying wind, just as much as ‘knowledge’ is.Death outside of you, of loved ones in my experience, the stronger the love and heartfelt connection, the more will the disappearing of that ‘person’ and ‘body’ create a surge of energy that makes change even stronger. Change in regard of the depth of that heartfelt connection, when honestly mourned. Letting the emotions come and go. Staying with the strong and weaker ones as long as they are present. To none held on, nor wished away. Mourn whatever needs mourning, of whatever is just changing.Your own death will wipe out ‘you’ and your ‘body’. Life goes on, bodies keep reemerging and falling, but don’t ever factor in any idea of infinity. You just know not the future of anything, nor what infinity just in whatever way might ever mean to be truly.Heck even you, just to name a few, constantly change breath and thus new air comes to you. Constantly eat and thus new feed of information and changing reactions to these, gets fed into you. There is constant interaction between you and your surroundings. You constantly sweat and lose the water of our life. Lose dead skins and make new ones.In this regard there is truly no Constance but Change, so is there any part of this change, you can hold on to specifically? How to touch change, it is untouchable?!Can you live in this constancy now? You are like a mountain of whatever fucking shape of sand, that on one side gains new sand kernels by the gusts of wind and which also takes away kernels to other mountains of sand.Each of these sand mountains are in a constant exchange.Always in touch with one another through the gusts of wind, ferrying between us, by a magical force, that’s just life, as incomprehensible as it may be.Now you see, our speech is part of this ferrying wind, our bringer of kernels, of new and changing you.A fluidity that never hardens and yet in life there are ‘fluid’ and ‘solid’ ‘shapes’, and all and everything in between these states. And actually to be honest something only seems ‘solid’ because it doesn’t move to our senses for a long enough time and feels hard enough to be ‘solid’, but beyond that, you can’t know for sure whether anything is ever ‘solid’, so don’t build any sandcastles.There is thus only to accept being change and change only.Change don’t grow big nor small it’s always the same change, without any identities nor attachments to any or one thing. Beyond the senses there is nothing SOLID, Nothing permanent, at least to our knowledge. I may be just as much wrong or right, and I have no shame about this. That’s just the way it is, ‘cus I’m changeful. A changeling in a changing Changing, and I don’t need to hold on to any of it, it is beyond my grasp. My words just as much as yours are part of this change, and for that I respect you, as the changeling you are, and only wish for ‘you’ to continue to change as long as ‘you’ is there. Please don’t kill your ‘you’, live and learn to love it. I can find so much joy, out of this ‘me’ without any sustenance to it. It just doesn’t fill me up completely, as such I can accept my ‘me’.This Change I can smile at and with, it sets me completely into the track of change. I don’t feel any hurt or pride or happiness about being changeful and yet it brings me joy, for I can’t find me, ever. Nor see me completely, so I give up trying to, whenever I do. It may be now, may be tomorrow, may be when ‘I’ die (with or without resurrection in whatever shape). As long as that goes, I’ll just be changing around.No plan your ever hoping to make can grasp change at its core. I’m not even going to claim you are the core, for I just don’t know that, nor can any claim I make prove that, ‘cus Im just too changeful. We are just changeful, equally so. These words are nothing but kernels of sand as are we all, mountain or not, it’s made up of kernels.I can live with my ‘me’ because all the dead before me have told the same and as far as we see so far that is not changing, but then again that would say that I would know something, which I just claimed before I don’t know. So let’s leave this supposition right where it is, changeful changeful changeful. Change needs change to happen.
October 21, 2018
Ouroboros is a two faced, self biting snake.One that resides purely in the mind and ain’t to be taken very seriously. We all take it serious to some degree, and yes in a degree that goes from 0 to 100%, but luckily it will eat itself up.There is also the snake that continuously eats itself and is beyond our control, beyond our touch but constantly our truest self.
October 22, 2018
Once every word is of the exact same value, Ohh the fun to be had 
My mind is against this and that, but I don’t have to be 
October 23, 2018
Do you know this feeling/ moment(s), when you are just sitting there, or whatever your activity just may be and all of a sudden you realise, there’s been that smile on your cheeks, you don’t particularly remember getting there?
October 23, 2018
To see illusion as something to surmount, get over, isn’t that how illusion is still biting your tail?To see illusion as something ugly, it’s biting your tail.I would almost say that illusion and wholesomeness are two faces of one and the same coin.I may even go further and call illusion the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed. Nothing truly in me has ever been part of that illusion. It simply doesn’t exist, as do all problems supposedly pertaining to be illusions…Nothing to see illusion different than what you see it right now, will either be able to help you. Illusion does and will bite it’s own tail, dunno how, dunno when, I only know it does, hence it’s actual true beauty.I don’t want to make sound illusion worse than almost every one speaks of the Bad Bad illusions…There might be so many things keeping you in the supposed illusion mindset, but I say, stay right there and bath in it gloriously.
October 24, 2018
Beauty must last, but the ugly must perish? Don’t see how a change you don’t control has only this way to go
October 24, 2018
Seen from ‘outside’ of You, there’s just bodies moving, flittering and then waning into dust and ashes.Of these bodies, one seems to be yours, for whatever reason. Not 2, 3 or 4 bodies, no, only one. With a whole consortium of other parts and pieces making up this body. Acid and gases, fluid, solid and gas chambers that run and work through your body. Taking in grubs and giving off grubs.Mindful watching of these movements, any one, no matter where, just tells so little of the actual story going on.You will crash, burst, ignite, thrash and tear to shreds any part whatsoever of any mental construction. When this process happens to ‘me’, it also happens to ‘you’. I needn’t say much or anything, but then again, I’d be saying I do have control.Which believe me, or not, there ain’t. Even with all my mental ping ponging going one like usual.Ahh it’s good I am whole. There is something to witness, something to love. This full flavour of ‘je ne sais quoi’. I have a thirst for this ferociously. Ain’t this now something to witness? With or without illusion?!
October 25, 2018
Either all of us are monsters, or none of us are. There is no middle ground.
October 26, 2018
Actually, life eats me up, but that kinda is probably ‘cus I taste darn well 
October 26, 2018
Mystery need no fucking name,no entity entwined into it’s bowels to just be a fucking mystery.Mystery, incomprehensible madness, destruction lying in its wake, and yet destruction is what we all intimately fear, hence we reproduce to leave something behind. We reproduce words, images, crafts and many other things, but we actually leave behind copies of already made copies, so really nothing new under the horizon.When there thus appear words in my head that get bleached just after being attended to for the first time, I know something new emerges, for many words have been laid to rest in my head already, not all luckily, or mixes thereof. I know not when these dare emerge again, but when they will, rest assured you’ll know.Some more side-marks of other things I dare let out, as of now. To write with ‘ ‘, seemed natural to me to describe a discrepancy between how I saw things and how other people might see things, to alienate this, I put ‘ ‘ in there. When you understand, neither ‘ ‘ nor the absence thereof will make any difference. You is just as much You as ‘YOU’. It all gets filtered through the same organ.Books I read started suddenly shimmering, the longer and more often I read them, because some words were italic, when many were not. I didn’t notice for a long time, but eventually slowly I did. Kind of the same, as these were then the supposedly important words. It was for me though more of an exercise of looking more closely instead of just blindly reading, which was clearly stated right at the beginning of the book. Not like that writer wasn’t clearly writing what he expected you to slowly do, over time, it’s just that I got lost in the middle and end of the book instead of taking seriously the beginning, which is far more important as everything that leads thereafter eventually, ‘cus without the first there ain’t a second. As so often with marvels of books, the best one’s can fuck you up greatly, lucky us.
October 27, 2018
There’s not a moment, you ain’t you/ ‘you’/ YOU/ ‘YOU’/ You… What’s the diff?This is being humble. All part of the same dance.
October 27, 2018
Do you know this, more or less internal smile, that rips through any and all illusion and truth?Taking the moment at the utmost serious with some pink silicon gloves on.Ripping through one’s own identity like it is some very tasty steak, or some soy based turkey.Curl twisting laughter resounding through lungs bursting from some internal heat that belongs to the heart.Taking jests and sous-entendre’s with a fast and confident stride head on, sometimes meekly sometimes with a lion’s roar.Personal directed insults nothing but a scribe’s notes from ass-wiping paper.The mad king tipping his head no pun intended at exactly a degree of 42 to you, and your only answer is a slight curtsy.A smile that rips through any hardened muscle and then turns it into soft butter.A soft murmur can’t even penetrate through such a smile, that (all) thoughts get quelled right at the source of arising.I hope that when not, you’ll know it soon.
October 28, 2018
Looking back, bemusingly, I have to concede that I never knew myself, not where everything comes from nor how and why thinks work the way they work. There’s really nothing I could know about that.Not the lifting of my hand, how it slowly brings a cuppa coffee, or wine in this moment to my lips. Such a simple movement. Nor why leaves choose to fall, why I breathe, why I laugh, why I was birthed and will die.If there is nothing about myself I can know, not when I thought I knew myself, even less now, how can I know how to be better or what actually is better or worse, for me for the world?How can I know when to do what? You don’t know what ramifications today may have on tomorrow.Whether to get a job or not, and ‘stay out of societies pressure’..You don’t know whether any action in your past is what you make/ made it out to be. Nor do you know what today’s actions mean.You don’t even know whether it is better to be in a personal flow, whether you should tell other people about it or not. You don’t even know whether the church’s priest does right or wrong, even though I can’t find .. this .. in church, for me that is.I experience not knowing as pleasant, but I can’t know whether you will or won’t find it this life round, whether it’s worth finding in the first place for you. So since I can’t know, I just gotta move and do my thingy, whatever my thingy turns out to be.
October 29, 2018
My bad habits have found a good home with me. I think this strikes the perfect balance.
November 1, 2018
If something goes good, embrace it and then screw up again 
November 2, 2018
One part of you served its due payment we may just as well finish it off with a blessing for the other part of you, that may still be hidden from your own sight.One Lazy Hail Mary, One Heartful Soulbinder, One Domestic Challenge, One Nourishing Sheitan, One Dreamy Puff of Smoke and the One and Only Fool’s Gold.Be ye welcome in my fiery Domain, of the invisible fools with the breath of fire.-Part of my book( I let simmer away silently for a while, and am now beginning to read again. Falling in love with it again.)We can only show each other the scratches of our continual imperfection. Trying to be perfect only hides those scratches we need to see, rightly as what they are.Man is taught since young of age to hide and make pretty his imperfections instead of just living them.So much so that he convinces himself that such is the normal way.Like this man falls from his own grace and continually wanders round scratching his own thorns that he cuts himself even deeper.Like a rose man could embrace his own thorns. With age, some of these thorns drop their sting yet may grow further anyway.Some fall of their own, because their weight gets too heavy.Thus a freeing sense of living slowly ensues, not because lack of thorns, but lack of seeing them as such. His thorns grow into the body they’ve always inhabited.Thus the rose lives to be one with her surroundings, thorn by thorn.People will not fail to sanctify every part of their own life, including the unknown, just for fear of their own thorns.This sanctification is probably the seed of all destruction known to mankind, out of their own hands, that baby has grown hideously big and ugly thorns.Sanctification can only desanctify another part of life not deemed sacred, even within oneself.Sanctification kills the very beauty of life. it’s complete and utter imperfection.Lucky are those that are conscious…**Colourful work of mine**
November 7, 2018
Uniqueness and the beauty of such a man, can only foster when he gives up knowing up and down, low and high, good and bad.Since you don’t know what to base any of your actions on, neither how to compare yourself from one unique being to another.Each moment that you get to live through has never been there before, thus no set answer can be had, to ‘rightfully’ live through this moment.Just to have my mind boggle around the idea that there are 7 billion unique people on earth and so many more animals and plants…I.. I… Don’t know anymore.Even more when you truly get how unique all of it is, in brains language that is But back to uniqueness, not knowing in your mostly utterly daily normal life at home, continually reinventing and forming and living this uniqueness is the birthing place of unique behaviour.
November 7, 2018
You’d like your thoughts constant, quiet, still, which in a way means constant, unchanging. Which means unending death.Yet you also want to change, since this is not yet your ‘state’, into that ‘state’. From something that is moveable, unstable, you want to CHANGE into something that is constant and unchanging.To do this you rely on CHANGE, to then become completely still. After that point you then can’t really rely on change anymore. Because everything is completely dead, devoid of meaning. To rely on something you want to change out of, is quite ironic and kind of a deal breaker all on it’s own. Whatever seems to ail you, you ail yourself with even further into something that is completely beyond ailment, the loony bin.Without thoughts there’s just no idea of anything, you won’t even miss anything.
November 8, 2018
In a way, the most beautiful part of this whatever that is, is that it can be destroyed, by ourselves in so many ways, just the possibility of that alone, is for me the reason why! Some ways of helping that seem helpful, but ain’t. Some that help but then do they really?First of all you’d need to know what helping actually is, from which the problem stems that supposedly knowing what truly helps, don’t do much actual help either.So what can be destroyed?Your existence and everybody else’s existence, and the mutual way of existing among others that exist.Your health, your general acceptance of your own existence (with whatever that entails) just the way you are now.Whatever place you are existing at and the whole where everybody is existing at.Can you do much about where you ain’t existing at?I’d say the closer you do stuff where you actually are existing, living, the change can happen more smoothly, because it will, whether you like it or not.If this doesn’t give you a sense of freedom, I don’t know what will either
November 14, 2018
Do you know those dreams or altered states, where you are getting told something so special, you can’t remember the wording. Those beings and entities telling you, you won’t remember anything.. Of what you won’t remember anything, or is that where you are most truest where you forget what it’s all about.Is this actually what you were being told, and guess what you did remember every word you needed, just not the way you imagined.
November 18, 2018
How do you know so sure, that you can deny any part of life? As being wrong, mal-aligned, wrongly placed?As unreal, fictional, untruthful.Needing to change.The dark side of the moon Because chance is, you might be biting your own tail. Not that that is wrong on it’s own, it just doesn’t work forever. For fear of biting your own tail, you act of course as if there is all that darkness, all that need to hide, because let’s face it, you don’t dare being your own dirty minded self. You gotta be clean and all that shit…You being so truly rightfully aligned to whatever stream you are following, if only there weren’t this, weren’t that….It’s first of all really simple to know so much about life and everything in it, right?To know oneself is a hazardous battle, but please, try knowing thyself. Don’t fear though, that your story just doesn’t add up to what life is actually doing.It doesn’t mean though that you can’t know anything about existence, in relation to your own existence.It is never written down, and when it is, it’s worthless, until you have bitten into said information, denied it and then maybe given some place, some understanding in life.So yes there is knowledge, but never for free.Is there thus any need to change any part of yo-self?All the dreadful things about myself I really wanted to change have slowly become my strongest and most beautiful allies, including my thoughts. Things I didn’t know yet might need change, became apparent on their own and changed on their own, the more I gave up knowing my momentous self, to witness whatever just happens in any given moment, in essence actually embodying constant change.Whatever happened to truly change, wasn’t bad before, to become good now.The only way to know true peace, in oneself, is to embody the full change of oneself. To feel, be, think, lust, love, sweat, fart, breathe in and just allow oneself to be whatever just seems to happen.To freely react, with as much or little judgement as there happens to be.
November 28, 2018
Don’t think with your mind, if you must as we all do, then think with your body.
November 29, 2018
You have this voice in your head.You ain’t even in the loony bin, which is where all those other people end up that ain’t being able to live with it, because THERE IS THAT VOICE…. It tells me to do this, it is that voice, no it ain’t me…Ain’t it interesting how this one and the same voice can have so many different effects on us all:Liquid poison, blooming beauty, sleepy lullaby, incessant noise, silent whisper, silent killer, oppressive gun, innocent passer by, babbling brook, lusciously dripping honey, greedy grabber, lustful prick… and so on till eternity.Woe is me, when the honest light befalls on me and where not all these voices are the problem, no it ain’t even the outside people, outside happenings… It truly and effortlessly was and is me! What I actually am doing. What my body is doing. MINE. So yes, you have that voice too. Ouch that must hurt EHH?
November 29, 2018
Self improvement is detrimental to actually just changing, for it always tries to change what one is doing right now in some supposed better, which only aids in scarring any semblance of actual self into further mystification. Further blurring.Just accepting one’s actual actions, ‘unjudgingly’ of which includes just judging whatever one is judging.Because remember it’s not the finish line you live for, but the actual road. The road includes every single thing you do.This for most people brutal honesty of one’s actions actually clarifies who you are right now, including all your actions.Having a better grip on what you are right now, the smoke slowly lifts from your eyes.Into a more or less coherent picture for loss of a better word of who and what you are and what you do and how much of what you do.This isn’t a one day project. It’s probably taking years to only be honest about what one does right now including the past.Only this honesty will allow the past to be digested and given it’s actual place and allowing the present to not get caught up too long and create back logs of problems unsolved.As long as this honesty is lacking, change is hindered.So drop your self-improvement, get to know what you do right now and let the rest take care of itself.When a certain honesty is reached, that is a very huge milestone, most people never get close to until they die.Beyond this honesty further possibilities might exist, but first of all this honesty of ‘saying’ what one is doing must be reached. I myself haven’t been able to assure myself yet whether these possibilities are necessary or not for whatever lies behind.
November 30, 2018 (Plus added comments)
Every reasoning behind which you hide yourself to act in one way or another, is what makes you ultimately sell your own soul, if there were one to begin with A very sane question would be, why do you do what you do. The more why’s you remove over time, the better it gets.
Mater Terra: Really feel what you wrote here But you doubt about soul?
Jochem Jeurissen: To answer this question, which is quite a complicated one I will rely on two people. One being a man who I absolutely trust to see more than I can see, of what is running behind my current situation in life, the family I am born into and when / where.He says for example my mother and sister have been since about 34 life’s each other’s mother and daughter respectively and other children of my parents have had differing roles in differing life’s. In this regard the probability that there is a soul is very certain.I can’t see that nor know for sureWhen you use reasoning to do and act in one way or another, there is absolutely no soul in those activities.
Jochem Jeurissen: The second man on who I rely for this is Gurdjieff and what I have read from him. That I will use to explain why there is no soul behind reasoning and the actions resulting from that.In quite a simplistic way every reasoning, body, life death, family, society, pain and beauty, nature, suffering could be used as a reasoning: XIf X THEN YY being the resulting action like I am sure you know many examples with what I have said already with your own understanding. So I’ll name nothing more.The (IF X THEN Y) is like a computer program. A robot, a machine and most people strictly live that way. All the Y’s are predetermined by X’s. I don’t see anything unique in that, soulful.Why this is like selling your soul, if there were one, is to me because of the X’s. The X’s don’t disappear when you begin less living like that. The X’s probably get even more complex the better you know yourself. To my experience, my X’s have been made over time unconscious.For example the plastic bag you can use when going shopping, the flimsy one. If your X is nature and it getting trashed later on, you might say to the grocery seller don’t give me a bag because I want to protect nature, being your Y.Z: If your X were made unconscious, you just say no bag for me thank you, because you have already another solution, in this way you act natural, without shoving it in anyone’s face.In this kind of a Z, I can begin to see more soul, than any X’s and Y’s.So man is in this way of viewing it, isn’t born with a soul, but can work on himself to get one. The (Because Z) way, giving no reason nor offence, just being yourself. Living and acting from your own body experience slowly removes those X’s, keeps those useful and natural to yourself by making them unconscious. From this further Z or other unique ways of living may begin existing, but that’s as far as my understanding goes at the moment.
Jochem Jeurissen: If there is a soul, I need not worry about it. If there isn’t there neither is something to worry about. Same with God.So I am in a way indifferent to the soul.
Mater Terra: Jochem Jeurissen thank you for your time and expression bro the little ‘if there is one’ part jumped into my eyes that is why I asked the question. What I feel is that it is good not to be so sure about eveything other people tell us and that instead of believing others, you can always listen and feel into your heart and your experiences. When felt your experiences there is no need to try to persuade or debate about it.The words ‘God’ and ‘soul’ are percieved very differently and when people hear and speak those words, they often speak from different things. When I read yout last message that you don’t need to worry, I feel your deep trust in Truth. One could also use the world ‘God’.For me, there is no life without soul, there is no life without presence.Those are words who are difficult to understand with the mind.. but it’s because of the doubt we have about soul, that the society we live in functions and that people get sick: the ignorance of the call of living a soulful life, th ignorance of the call of being completey alive, the ignorance the call of truth and love. When soul is ignored, life is ignored. That’s destruction. We had enough of this. Now is time for being Alive, for being Soulful, being True. 
And that comes back to your first sentence: reasoning is unnecassary. Why do you do what you do – because of a reason, or because you feel it in your heart/listen to the call in your soul?!
Jochem Jeurissen: Yes, but it’s not blind either. I don’t particularly subscribe to the idea of blind faith. There have been tangible events that all lead me to have this faith, albeit I don’t fully understand most of them.So for me it is about bringing it to tangible things, of which most particularly, my body. That’s all I have for as long as I live.I neither only listen to my heart/ soul. Body, thought and emotions also play a most important role to me, so far.
December 1, 2018
The mere existence of your problems isn’t as bad as, acting as if they don’t impress you, shape you, as if they ain’t there. As if you already are over your problem.So probably just exist problematically.